The Life She Wants Read online

  Right on cue, the door clicked and Tommy sauntered inside, throwing his key card on the bed and lowering himself into the bucket chair by the window.

  ‘Did you have a nice afternoon?’ he asked as she emerged from the bathroom. He sounded as though he was over his sulk.

  Paula bit her lip. ‘No, I had a really bad afternoon.’

  ‘I met a group of fishermen in the bar,’ he said, as if she hadn’t spoken. ‘They were really nice guys, had a good chat, they were telling me all about the Northern Lights—’

  A sob emerged, tears rose, and she lowered her head.

  ‘Babe?’

  She dabbed at her eyes with her fingers. ‘I had a really shitty afternoon. I got locked in the sauna.’ She pointed to her head. ‘Look at my hair, look at how red my skin is.’ Miserably, she inspected her arms and hands. ‘The woman next door rescued me, and I’ve invited her to join us for dinner tonight as a thank you. She’s travelling alone,’ she added as an afterthought.

  ‘’Kay,’ said Tommy. ‘Guess I’d better get ready then.’

  He pushed himself out of the chair and walked somewhat unsteadily over to the wardrobe, flicking through the clothes that Paula had hung up earlier.

  She knew her eyes were still watering. Mentally she pulled herself together. They had a guest with them for dinner. If Paula couldn’t get her emotions under control, Tommy would refuse to eat with her. He would probably go off with his new buddies, and the woman next door – Anna – would think Paula was even more of a loser than she did already.

  She bit her lip and sat down in the chair that Tommy had vacated.

  She would have to get through dinner, but all she really wanted to do was crawl under the covers and forget this day had ever happened.

  * * *

  In the cabin on the corner Anna selected her most spectacular dress. A gold sequinned number, muted and matt, demure enough not to be sleazy, but cut high enough in the leg and low enough in the neck to give a hint of what lay beneath. As she carefully applied her make-up, she thought of Paula next door, and her awful blotchy, practically burned skin and terrible straw hair. She smiled as she dashed the bronzer along her cheekbones. Maybe she would suggest accompanying Paula to the salon tomorrow, get a deep-conditioning treatment put on her hair.

  Taking one final look in the mirror, she scooped up her clutch bag and Paula’s tote that she had swiped off the top of the locker earlier and strode the few feet down the hall to Paula and Tommy’s cabin. Raising her hand, she rapped smartly on the door.

  It opened immediately, and Anna’s heart lurched a little as she surveyed the pleasing form of Tommy. He was dressed in a smart black suit and a crisp white shirt, with no tie. He managed to look casual but also as though he fitted right in.

  She smiled, stuck out a hand and gripped his firmly. ‘Hi, you must be Tommy. I’m Anna, your wife very kindly invited me to join you for dinner.’

  He smiled back, showing white teeth, and ushered her inside. ‘Come on in, we’re just waiting for Paula. God knows what she does in there that takes so long,’ he laughed. ‘She comes out and I don’t see much of a difference.’

  Interesting. Anna raised her eyebrows. His first words were a put-down of his wife. Ordinarily, it would be a warning sign. This was, after all, the man Anna intended on leaving the cruise with in ten days’ time. Most women with their eye on a guy would be put off by a man who spoke about his wife so dismissively. But Anna wasn’t here for hearts and flowers. Language and attitudes didn’t matter, not in the long run. She figured if she could live with old William the way she had, time spent with Tommy Ellis would be far more fruitful, despite his attitude to his current wife.

  Tommy moved over to the semi-circular bar area and held up a bottle of gin. ‘Drink?’ he asked.

  Anna was about to accept when the bathroom door clicked open and Paula emerged, her eyes almost as red as the skin on her face.

  ‘Oh, Anna, hi,’ she said. With a resigned shrug of her shoulders, she smiled. ‘This is the best I could do.’

  As Tommy sighed behind her, Anna scrutinised Paula’s face: ‘I have some powder in my bag, would you like to use some? I got extreme sunburn in the summer in Mexico, this worked wonders until the skin healed up properly.’ She pulled it out and at the same time held Paula’s tote bag aloft. ‘Oh, and I went back to the sauna, found this on the reception desk. I think it belongs to you?’

  ‘My bag!’ Paula smiled and reached for it and upended it on the floor. ‘Nothing’s missing,’ she said.

  A sudden stillness came over the room and Paula looked up at Anna. ‘How did you know it was mine?’ she asked. ‘There’s nothing with any ID in here.’

  Anna fought to control the flush that threatened to creep up her neck. Was Paula calling her out? Had she figured out who had both locked her in the sauna and stolen her bag? She felt her eyes glinting dangerously and consciously softened her expression.

  ‘I never saw anyone else in the spa this afternoon apart from you. I figured it must be yours.’

  Her tone was flat and hard; she heard it and wondered if Paula would challenge her. She darted a look at Tommy, still behind the bar, checking his watch.

  ‘Are we going to dinner then?’ he asked.

  Paula stood up. ‘Yes, let me just put this away.’ She held it up, shook it at Tommy as she walked past him. ‘Look, Anna found my bag that I lost in the spa.’

  He raised his eyes. ‘So, you got locked in the sauna and lost your stuff? Good going, even for you!’

  Oh, how barbed and nasty their relationship was, thought Anna as she watched the exchange with interest. And yet Paula didn’t react. Was she so used to her husband’s scathing remarks that they just sailed over her head these days? Or did she wear a mask for him, only to cry in private? Perhaps the prize of the five-bedroom house and all the trimmings that came with it was enough to allow her to put up with the disrespect?

  If it was, Anna could identify with that.

  * * *

  ‘That powder was great, thank you,’ said Paula as the three of them left the cabin and walked down the corridor. The hallway was narrow, and the two women walked together, Tommy in the lead.

  ‘It’s a good one, I got it in New York and I always stock up when I’m there.’ Anna smiled at her. ‘You can keep that one.’

  Paula blanched. ‘Oh, I couldn’t, it’s obviously expensive.’

  Anna put a hand on her arm. ‘I insist.’

  Paula darted a glance at the woman beside her. In just a few minutes she had already let them know that she’d been in Mexico in the summer, and was a frequent visitor to New York. Add in this cruise, not to mention the designer dress she was wearing and the expensive face powder she had given away so freely, and there was clearly no shortage of money.

  ‘What do you do for a living, Anna?’ she asked as they paused next to the lift that would take them to the restaurant.

  ‘I oversee a nationwide firm,’ replied Anna. ‘My team are mostly freelancers, and I ensure they’re all in work. It’s a tough job – we’re in the process of going international, so I need to be available all the time, literally day and night.’ She smiled suddenly and swept her arms in a wide arc. ‘A holiday like this is my reward!’

  Paula blinked. This tiny woman with the body of a boy oversaw an entire company? And earned enough money to keep herself in luxury and allow her to go on holidays like this one several times a year?

  ‘Wow,’ she muttered. ‘That’s impressive.’ She paused, eyes narrowed. ‘What does your husband do?’

  Anna laughed. ‘No husband, just me. I never had the time nor the inclination for husbands or kids or all the mess that comes along with them.’

  Tommy, previously uninterested in the women’s conversation, swivelled his eyes to regard Anna, a move that Paula didn’t miss.

  ‘And what do you do, Paula?’ asked Anna politely as they stepped into the lift.

  A silence descended. Usually Paula answered that question with a
hint of pride that she had a husband who earned enough that she didn’t have to work herself. But somehow, next to the pocket rocket beside her, the answer she normally gave would just seem… sad.

  ‘I keep house,’ she managed, aware even as she spoke that it sounded lame.

  ‘Oh, housekeeping?’ said Anna. ‘I was a part-time cleaner when I was working my way through college.’

  Paula heard the disconnect, and swallowed as Tommy smirked in her direction. ‘No, I meant I just look after our house.’ She paused. ‘I don’t work,’ she clarified.

  The lift sped on down to the dining deck, opening with a little chime as they emerged, and Paula wondered if Anna had actually heard her. As the other woman walked ahead, Paula yanked on Tommy’s sleeve. ‘She thinks I’m a cleaner!’ she hissed.

  He pulled his arm free and straightened his cuff. ‘For God’s sake, relax,’ he said, moving up to stand beside Anna as they waited to be seated.

  Paula remained behind them, inexplicably hurt by both Anna’s assumption and the fact that Tommy didn’t seem to care. In front of her, Anna said something that made Tommy throw his head back with laughter. As a waiter appeared and led them through the restaurant, Tommy lifted a hand and rested it on the small of Anna’s back.

  Paula trailed behind.

  * * *

  ‘A garden salad,’ Anna said as she passed her menu back to the waiter, confident that the meal she had selected would be enough to sustain her.

  She glanced at Paula beside her, at how the straps of her dress cut into the flesh on her shoulders. Yes, the salad was a good idea.

  She waited without remark as both Tommy and Paula ordered the steak fillet, with extra butter and fries.

  Fries! And not even of the slightly healthier sweet potato variety.

  Paula gave her menu back and looked a little abashed. ‘I missed lunch because of all that sauna business,’ she said.

  Anna nodded. She had missed lunch and breakfast too. Inside, she glowed with pride.

  Paula touched her arm and leaned in. ‘Um, just to clarify, I’m not a cleaner, or a housekeeper. I don’t actually work, you know?’

  ‘Hey, guys!’ A sudden shout from Tommy made Paula jump, and both women looked up. ‘It’s the boys from this afternoon,’ he explained as he pushed his chair back. ‘I’ll be right back.’

  Anna smothered a smile and turned to face Paula.

  ‘So, what did you want to do? When you were young, I mean?’

  Paula stared back blankly. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, nobody aspires to be a trophy wife, do they? I mean, when you were at school, when you were younger, what career did you want?’

  ‘Oh.’ A pained look crossed Paula’s face and she froze in her seat.

  ‘Paula?’ Anna tilted her head, concerned.

  Paula shook her head and uttered a dry little laugh. ‘It’s funny, my best friend said something along those lines to me just the other day. “Don’t lose yourself,” she said.’ She smiled wryly. ‘It pissed me off.’

  Anna flinched. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.’

  But Paula’s eyes were locked on something across the room. Anna followed her gaze to see Tommy immersed in his new group of buddies, back-slapping and handshakes all round as they congratulated themselves on how fantastic they all were.

  ‘A trophy wife,’ muttered Paula quietly.

  Anna grabbed her hand. ‘Listen, I only just met you, right, but I can tell you’re so much more than a trophy wife.’ She gestured to the table. ‘Look at this. I would have been eating alone if you hadn’t been kind enough to invite me to dinner with you tonight.’

  She patted Paula’s hand and laid it softly back on the table, pleased she had been able to find a compliment to pay the woman.

  Paula smiled, but to Anna it seemed forced. ‘Ignore me, I think it’s the after-effects of this afternoon’s horrific disaster.’

  Anna sat back. She could feel the anger creaking through her very marrow, and she breathed deeply to contain herself. Being locked in a spa for an hour was not a horrific disaster. Being forced to lie with an old man so he continued to pay your salary was awful. Homelessness and sofa surfing was horrific. Joblessness and poverty was disastrous.

  She bit her lip to stop it trembling. Inside her mouth the familiar metallic taste of blood brought her back to the present just as her salad was placed in front of her. She regarded it carefully, running her hand over her concave stomach. There were no curves now, hadn’t been since she had been a teenager. At least that was one part of her life that she could control.

  ‘I’m going to the salon tomorrow,’ she said conversationally, looking away as Paula cut into her steak. ‘Maybe you’d like to come along, get a deep-conditioning treatment on your hair?’

  Tommy slid back into his chair, rubbing his hands together, and tucked into his steak with relish. ‘The boys are doing a bit of deep-sea fishing tomorrow; they’ve invited me to join them,’ he said with his mouth full. ‘It should be fun.’

  On the other side of her, Anna felt the look that Paula aimed at her husband.

  ‘Really?’ she asked. ‘On our first full day?’

  Anna glanced at Tommy, saw the eye roll. She nibbled at a piece of lettuce as the tension grew like a cloud of black smoke. She could practically smell the hurt coming off Paula in waves.

  Eventually Paula addressed Anna. ‘I’d love to come to the salon with you tomorrow, thank you.’

  Anna smiled and pushed her plate away.

  She was done.

  ‘Good morning, this is your captain speaking. Today I would like to bring your attention to the Square of Pegasus. Pegasus can be seen in both the northern and southern hemispheres, but in the southern hemisphere it is upside down!

  ‘Pegasus, our winged horse, consists of four stars of almost equal brightness. This two-thousand-year-old constellation can be tricky to see with the naked eye, but a simple pair of binoculars will show you all the stars within the square.

  ‘According to Greek mythology, Pegasus had a hand in defeating Chimera, a fire-breathing monster, and was duly rewarded by being presented with the seventh largest place in our skies.

  ‘Pegasus is one hundred and ninety-six light years away from earth, which if you think about it makes you feel really rather small in our otherwise limitless galaxy…’

  Chapter 8

  Paula pulled the duvet tighter around herself as she listened to the captain’s daily briefing over the tannoy. She liked his updates, the little titbits of information that he spoke about in authoritative but slightly camp tones. She wondered if Tommy enjoyed them as much as she did. She turned over to face him, but found a space in the bed, an indent on the pillow the only evidence he had been there at all.

  She sighed, stretching as she ran her fingers through her hair. As she did so, she remembered that her appointment at the salon was at ten o’clock. She dragged herself out of bed, and without looking in the mirror pushed her hair back and wound it up with a band. She dressed quickly in skinny jeans and a plain black shirt.

  ‘Tommy?’ She called his name, but the room was empty. He must have left for the fishing expedition with his new mates.

  She sighed deeply, remembering the days when he would kiss her awake just to tell her he was going to work. It seemed like a long time ago, and vaguely she wondered when it had stopped. It seemed that she’d spent most of this holiday so far on her own, and weren’t they supposed to be having an adult discussion about starting a family? Since the night he had presented her with the cruise tickets, it hadn’t been mentioned.

  A horrible thought came to her mind. He hadn’t ‘presented’ her with the tickets; he had distracted her with them. And now he’d vanished again, off on a deep-sea fishing day trip with his new mates instead of spending time with her, his wife. He’d never expressed an interest in fishing before. Or had he? After all, she hadn’t known anything about his apparent passion for astronomy before this trip either.


  She glanced at her phone on the bed. It was time to swallow her pride. She snatched it up, keyed in a number and closed her eyes as she waited. When the person on the other end answered, she swallowed audibly.

  ‘Julie?’ she said tentatively.

  ‘Paula?’

  There was a connection there, relief in both women’s tone, and having known each other for so long, they both heard it.

  ‘I’m so sorry!’ bleated Paula.

  At the same time Julie said, ‘I’m so glad you called!’

  There was no need for an apology, though both of them spoke the obligatory words. There was no need for explanations as to what had made them act the way they had. To Paula’s relief, they simply picked up where they had left off.

  ‘I saw your cruise news on Facebook. How’s it going out there?’ Julie asked, her voice muffled.

  ‘What’re you eating?’ Paula suddenly realised that she wasn’t going to have time for breakfast before they went to the salon. She glanced at her watch, saw it was a quarter to ten already. Breakfast was out today; she would have to have an early lunch instead.

  ‘Muffins – went to Starbucks this morning.’

  ‘Without me?’ She laughed. ‘I miss you, Jules.’

  ‘Me too, but what’s it like? Are you freezing yet?’

  As Julie said the words, Paula realised she hadn’t been up on deck and out in the open air since they set sail, just before her fateful trip to the sauna.

  She shuddered. ‘Jules, you won’t believe this. I went to the sauna and got locked in. Locked in! I thought I was going to die.’

  Expletives and murmurs of sympathy came down the line. Paula settled back against her pillows. She should have called Julie straight after it happened.